This past weekend I went out in a nice dress and pair of sandals that I had picked up shopping with my aunt and sister. I didn't look good. I had no makeup on and my hair still isn't long enough to tie up. It was a beautiful day though. Warm but not sunny or windy. Just the nicest day we've had in a while.
On one hand I felt just silly. I mean I couldn't possibly pass. On the other hand I was all smiles. I felt great. I liked that I was able to do it. I went out into the world and even though I knew I stood out I felt confident with myself.
I was only going to my mom's house for a small cookout. I knew everyone and most everyone knew me and knew my situation. There was one of her friends that did not know. That was a bit of a shock for them. It was mostly awkward and neither of us knew what to say but they weren't bad about it. Nobody else even thought twice that I was in a dress.
My brother and I went to the grocery store to get some soda and it was just fine there too. I got a few weird looks but most people didn't even look up. I don't mean that like they were buried in their phones and not paying attention. I mean they went about their day as they planned it. They have their own lives and have no need to pay attention to mine. Even the people who did give a second glance (I didn't see anybody motioning or pointing or laughing), to them I am just a blip in their day. Maybe next week they tell a friend about it but chances are they will not see me again or won't recognize me if they do.
I also had seen my father briefly. He didn't even bat an eye. He was working outside and had both neighbors talking to him as well. Nobody said a thing. Internally they might have been asking what the hell was this but at least they didn't say anything. Even if they had I still wasn't very anxious about it. I still had more confidence than is usual for me. It was a nice little chat and I was glad he didn't freak out on me.
Overall I was very happy with how the day went. I was so nervous to take that first step but it was an amazing experience to get out and see that I can do it.
Easter is coming up and I was invited to a family gathering for that. I was tempted to dress up for that (and they are a bit more formal than casual for Easter anyways). It is with family that I haven't seen in at least 10 years though and I don't want to impose on their gathering that way. I will likely see if I can't find a pair of jeans and nice top instead. Even that thought is enough to cause me anxiety. Logically I know that if they don't accept me I can just leave but it's almost like I'm more afraid of them asking me to stay! It would be nice to just have it all out there at once instead of having to have them find out at the next gathering when I am presenting full-time.
I am thinking that until I come out at work I can at least use my weekends to present the way I would like. I have already been doing this really. It's usually not different from my regular out of work clothes (jeans and a graphic tee) except the styles are feminine and accentuate some of my newer features. I am sure that I will wear some skirts soon when the weather decides to be a bit nicer.
I do need to get to the store and at least try out some makeup. I don't even know that I will like it but I definitely feel like it could help my confidence and make me feel more womanly. It is also like an art and will take a lot of practice to get right. I should start honing that skill now.