Up to this point the only people who know that I am on HRT are my doctor, one person I met from Reddit (who also happens to live in my city), and whoever reads my comments on Reddit but that I'll never know. The people close to me I have not told. On the one hand I know that I have to tell them. Every time I think of it my heart and mind just start racing. What will they say? Will they just kick me out on the spot? Will they be supportive? Will they ask me questions I don't know the answers to myself?
On the other hand, I feel like I don't owe anybody an explanation and they don't have to know. The only person who must know is my S.O.[0] I am most afraid of her response. I have no doubt she will be upset and it isn't fair of me to keep this from her. The other part of me feels guilty for hiding things from my friends and family but not to the same extent because they are not romantically involved. The people I should be closest with I am keeping in the dark. I knew of Impostor Syndrome because I hear of it a lot in my profession but I had never experienced it until starting with HRT.
I know that I would like to tell people in the order I feel closest to them. S.O., best friend, mom, brother, cousin, etc. The hardest part is not having the words. I can guess how they will react based on how they've spoken in the past but will they treat me the same as their views I've seen? Another problem with going in the order is that I will be the most nervous for the first few that I am bound to make mistakes that I won't carry to the next person.
Maybe I just never payed it as much attention before but a few of the people in my life are making it much harder to keep the secret than others. The most recent example is when I told my S.O. about 23andme and how I got all that cool info. Her first words were: What if they came back and said you were a girl? Despite several attempts to avoid the question she wouldn't drop it. It is extremely hard to not say "That would be awesome!" and in the end I think I deflected enough to not say anything and maybe gave her the impression I was annoyed by the question. My best friend teased in the same manner recently that if I don't cut my nails I should get them polished, which I do and love them to be pretty.
None of this is new. I can recall several occasions where people have said things similar to these examples. It seems like they are becoming more frequent though or I am just finally realizing how much they tease me.
Another thing I have thought of is maybe delivering the news as a letter instead of in person. On the one hand I can be sure that I don't mess up anything and can craft the message to my satisfaction. On the other I feel like I am not giving them the respect they deserve. Maybe I will make the letter more of less the script and deliver it in person.
My last thoughts are on how I will handle the rejection. There is no realistic way that everyone I know accepts this news with an open mind. I just cannot get my hopes up for something so fantastic. I don't know who will stay and who will leave and that is the terrifying part. I don't want anybody to leave. Maybe it's just that I don't want to think that anybody I know is that person who will leave and change their opinion of me.
I have decided that I will not say anything until after I have an official prescription. Even then it might be a few more weeks. It is becoming something of a ticking time bomb in my mind though.
[0] We are long distance so we only see each other 1-2 times a year and speak on Skype regularly, without video so she cannot see anything that way either.